In this article we will consider how grief and loss may hide in everyday experiences and offer some ideas on how we might better understand ourselves or others who are in pain with grief.
Supporting someone who is grieving may seem simple, however anyone who has been in this situation knows there are challenges. Each person reacts and copes so differently, what is helpful for one may not be so helpful for another.
There are many circumstances where other issues may mask grief and other emotions are more noticeable and so grief is not given the attention it deserves or needs.
It might be that the grieving child has challenging behaviours.
The grieving adult is focused on their career.
The grieving friend is withdrawn.
The grieving neighbour is hostile.
You are invited to consider not so much on the ‘problem’, rather consider that given what has happened (recent death of loved one) What are they searching for? What have they also lost?
Is the child moving from house to house?
Is the workaholic trying to fill the enormous hole in his world?
Is the friend actually struggling financially?
Has the neighbour not felt supported, yet you thought that wanted to be alone?
Developing empathy and greater understanding of grief helps us all traverse challenging situations.
Grief is a universal human response to the loss of (typically) someone we love and value. Grief is also experienced after big change retrenchment, divorce, exiles etc. When we are examining this common experience it is essential to be aware that people and family members may cope very differently and go through a wide range of experiences.
Understanding Grief
What can grief look like? We may see changes in behaviour.
· Isolation, social withdrawal, intolerance of others, irritability, loss of interest in others, tearfulness, restlessness.
Many people find they are impacted cognitively with:
· Confusion, forgetfulness, racing mind, poor concentration, difficulty in making decisions, a sense of unreality, repeated disturbing imagery.
Others find that they go through a wide range of emotions that can be uncomfortable and tricky to cope with and manage.
· Shock, disbelief, sadness, distress, shame, blame, numbness, anxiety, guilt, fear, regret, anger, helplessness, suicidal.
We often see the grieving person experiences physical changes:
· Loss or gain in appetite; disrupted sleeping, tiredness, headaches, colds.
People often struggle to cope spiritually they may feel:
· Loss of meaning, loss of direction, questioning faith/beliefs, struggling to understand the meaning of life and death.
Supporting someone who is grieving is not always easy.
Despite the fact that grief is a universal human experience it can be complicated and offering the best response can be challenging. Most people experiencing loss will appreciate a sympathetic listener, they will be keen to understand what might be a ‘normal’ experience of grief and loss and they will be reassured to also know that grief is a process that each person experiences in unique ways. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Grief can be very different for members of the same family sharing a loss,
Community myths suggest there is a time line for grief. Those of us that have experienced grief know there is no specific time frame to predict when we will be “over it!” We also hear that over time however “the pain should get less”, but sometimes it doesn’t and it is important to know that grief can be expressed and processed in many ways and time frames. It is a very personal experience.
Most grief counsellors can attest:
“the life altering experience of loss shakes and sometimes shatters survivors in all their human complexity, which can involve complicated clients undergoing complicated ways of losing complicated relationships often in complicated social (situations)” Niemeyer 2012
If you or someone you love is struggling, supportive counselling can provide compassion, understanding, tools and ideas to make the transition easier.
By Jane Macnaught
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Jane Macnaught
E: counsellor@tranquilloplace.com M: +61 425 152 490
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