Boundaries
Boundaries. It’s a concept that comes up regularly, particularly in the counselling space, but what does it mean?
A boundary can be understood as a limit or a space between you and another person. It helps to identify where you begin and the other person ends. Having healthy boundaries is a way you can take care of yourself and your relationships. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others (Tawwab, 2021).
Unhealthy Boundaries
When healthy boundaries are not in place this can lead to enmeshed and complicated relationships. This is where the emotions of the other person may be absorbed as your own. Complicated relationships are among the leading causes of increased rates of anxiety and depression (Tawwab, 2021).
Not having good boundaries might feel like
- resenting someone’s reliance on you
- being overwhelmed
- not having enough time
- neglecting self-care
- having difficulty saying no
It might look like agreeing to do things you don’t have the time or energy to do. Poor boundaries can also show up by feeling exhausted and burnt-out by how much you are doing for, or giving to others.
Clear Boundaries
Brene Brown found in her extensive research that people with the clearest boundaries are actually the most compassionate, this is because they are not experiencing emotional burnout from giving out more than they can cope with giving. Brown has a popular quote that states:
‘choose discomfort over resentment’
this recognises the discomfort that can go along with saying ‘No, I’m not available to do that’ but also the benefit of being able to say no in the long term to avoid resentment.
Saying No
While learning to say no without guilt is an important part of boundary setting, boundaries are more than just saying ‘no’ to someone else. You may choose to create a boundary around the types of content you consume, how much time you spend with someone, conversation topics, social media usage, sticking to a budget, how much you share with others, and how much you can give of yourself.
Clear Communication
Boundary issues are common in family relationships, intimate relationships, friendships and at work. Recognising our emotional capacity and learning to communicate our availability and needs clearly can help to improve boundaries. Healthy boundaries are based on clear communication and mutual respect. Stating a boundary may sound like, ‘I’m not comfortable discussing that’, ‘I don’t check work emails on the weekend’, ‘I can only stay for an hour’. If you have clearly stated a boundary and it continues to be disregarded, it may be time to reassess the relationship.
Having healthy boundaries is not always easy but they are an important aspect of caring for our own mental health and the health and longevity of our relationships. As Prentis Hemphill so aptly illustrates with her quote;
‘Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously’.
https://prentishemphill.com/blog
By Jane Macnaught
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Jane Macnaught
E: counsellor@tranquilloplace.com M: +61 425 152 490
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Tranquillo Place: Counselling | Mediation | Relationships
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