by Melinda Coles

About 20% of the population live with an anxious attachment style.

The development of an anxious attachment style is often associated with parents who were inconsistently responsive to our needs. Sometimes primary caregivers /parents may have been supportive and responsive, and at other times they were mis-attuned and needs were not met.

Primary Caregivers / Parents may have had their own life challenges or may have been in recovery from their own childhood traumas, or they could have lived with mental illness, addiction, domestic violence, or social isolation, as underlying themes to their behaviour.

Regardless of the cause, parents’ inconsistency in meeting our needs may have left us feeling confused about their behaviour and what response to expect from them in the future.

As a child growing up in this environment, we may develop a hyper sensitive attachment system that can be activated on the slightest hint that something may be wrong in our close relationships.

Key indicators you have an anxious attachment style are:

• You are preoccupied with keeping a lookout for external threats to the relationship or things that may be wrong within the relationship
• You want to discuss and resolve problems quickly in your relationship (to remove the threat)
• You have a deep fear that your loved one may leave you (fear of abandonment)
• You often seek reassurance from your partner that the relationship is safe, that they are there for you, that you are loved, worthy and good enough
• If you feel rejected, you may blame yourself or think you are not worthy of love
• You can be jealous or suspicious of your partner, or worry about how they view you or the relationship
• You may find it hard to understand and express your intense emotions
• When you receive validation and comfort from your partner, you feel that everything is ok again.

If you identify with having an anxious attachment style, understanding the triggers that activate your attachment system is important to minimize acting out and the disruption to your relationships.

Common behaviours from your partner that could activate your attachment system include, feeling or perceiving your partner:

• Acting distant or aloof
• not responding in a timely way to your messages/calls
• Forgetting important events
• Acting too friendly/flirty with someone else
• Prioritising other less important things above you
• Cancelling a date or meet-up
• Disregarding your feelings and needs when you express them
• Failing to notice something different about you (new haircut, new clothes)

If you find your attachment system is activated by any of the above behaviours, you may automatically experience overwhelming feelings of worry or fear of rejection or abandonment.  You may feel the urge to cling to your partner or act out with any of the above indicators.

To counteract this, we can learn to self-regulate our attachment system by doing the following:

1. Take a break – if your system is highly activated and your emotions are very high, it is best to excuse yourself from the room. Take 5 minutes to diffuse some energy and settle your nervous system before re-engaging. To regulate your emotions and the cortisol in your body you can try the following strategies:
   • Breath consciously – slowly in through the nose and out through the mouth. Expand the length of your exhale gradually with each new breath.
   • Go for a walk – change your environment to allow for a new perspective. If possible, get outside and focus on the natural features you can see.
   • Journal – write your feelings and thoughts down
   • Punch a pillow – if you have some anger you may like to express this in a healthy way such as punching a pillow or pushing against a solid wall.
   • Phone a friend – often talking with a close friend, having a good listener with you, can diffuse our emotions quickly
   • Have a cup of tea, or drink cold water.  Take time to focus on your breath and ground your body, whilst sipping tea or water.

2. Identify your emotions – your emotions are your internal barometer indicating you perceive a threat to the relationship and that you do not feel safe. Your emotions are valid and point to your underlying needs.  Read more about naming and identifying emotions here

3. Identify your needs – it is not enough to know how you feel, what drives the relationship through conflict is identifying what you need for yourself and your relationship. Ask yourself: what do I need right now? What might help? Needs are usually centred around safety and security for anxious attachers.

4. Communicate your feelings and needs to your partner – using “I” language, tell your partner how you feel and what you need e.g “I feel distant from you right now, what I need is to feel close to you and to know you care for me”.

Counselling can help you by guiding you through helpful strategies such as feeling into your body, identifying your emotions and your needs and role playing communicating your needs to your partner.

For more information see The Attachment Project and The Work by Byron Katie

Written by Melinda Coles

Melinda offers a person-centred approach in a safe, confidential setting so you can be at ease and truly go into a space to explore your emotions and what underlies them.  She has specific experience with co-dependent–narcissistic relationship dynamics.

Click here to learn more about Melinda.